Making Friends - Book Review

Before your child heads back to school after the winter break, and with New Years resolutions fresh in our minds, take a look at MAKING FRIENDS: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child's Friendships. Noted author of Raising Confident Boys and Raising Confident Girls Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer explains how to react to friendship issues at all stages of your child's life.

Hartley-Brewer's Back to School Tips:

• Suggest a play date with one of last year's companions just before the first day to get them reacquainted.
• Don't be alarmed if your child is bad tempered and exhausted during the "back to school" months. He or she is facing heightened anxieties about friendships and social acceptance.
• Don't pressure your child to have friends over in the first month or two of school - home is their sanctuary. Let your child tell you when he/she is ready for a play date.
• Plan some fun activities for the two of you so that your child feels supported outside of school.
• Recognize that recess can be intimidating for young children because of bigger kids and social pressures.

In MAKING FRIENDS, Hartley-Brewer reveals that it's often a parent's duty to monitor and direct their child's friendships. And in fact, research shows that teenagers who have trouble making and keeping friends often had similar difficulties in their early years-so the sooner parents detect a problem and respond to it, the better. But how much is too much? And when is the right time? Hartley-Brewer addresses the dilemma of when-or how far-to get involved, showing readers how to strike a balance between intervening and stepping back.

Questions addressed in Making Friends:

• How can I help my child when he or she doesn't seem to be making friends at school?
• What should I do if I don't like one of my child's friends?
• How do I guide my children when "mean girls" or "bully boys" taunt them at recess?
• Is it ok if my child seems to have lots of friends at school but they never come over to the house?
• Should I worry when an imaginary friend sticks around well into first grade?
• What if my child is excessively shy?
• How can I monitor cyber-friendships and online bullying?
• What do I say if my child is upset about not being in the popular clique?
• What if my child becomes close with someone I find too manipulative or rebellious?
• What can I do at home to teach my child good friendship skills?

Hartley-Brewer provides multiple solutions to each problem, allowing parents to choose a strategy that works best for them and their child. Part guide and part exploration, MAKING FRIENDS delves into the nature of friendship, explaining the phases of friendship, friendship styles, and types of friends-from "best" friends to "bad" friends.

Believe

The Wall Street Journal had a recent article about the "Power of Magical Thinking", and highlighted a study that showed how cognitive development and imagination in childhood is an important aspect in understanding reality.  The study touched on belief in Santa and other fantasy characters, and what influences how and when children distinguish between what is real and what is not.  I thought the article was really interesting, a glimpse into how kids cope and process the world around them. 

But what do you do when you are asked that dreaded question, is Santa real?  A few years ago our daughter, then 7, was clearly struggling with the idea that Santa really didn't make much sense, and asked us point blank what was up.  We hemmed and hawed and tried to think of something to say, and she said 'Really, tell me the truth!'  So we dropped the bomb and for a split second there was disappointment, followed by a sense of relief on her end. 

Experts recommend asking curious kids who appear ready for the truth, "Is there something you saw or heard that makes you think Santa isn't real?" and "What do you think?" to try and encourage a balance that to lets children be open to possibility but also to question.  Another article that addresses this issue can be found in the London Free Press. 

The magic of Christmas is so much more than believing in Santa - but what fun it is when kids still have that innocent excitement on Christmas morning!!  Even though some of are long past the days of truly believing, we're looking forward to Friday and all the enjoyment of the season....

Potty Training Tips

I have had both of my older daughters successfully (day) potty trained right around the age of 2, but my biggest challenge is coming up....my third and final is very stubborn, opinionated, and a little behind in some of her developmental milestones.  She turns two this weekend, and I have a sinking feeling that I will be buying diapers from costco for a few more months at least.  Bummer!  I'm always so glad when the diaper days are over. 

My personal theory to potty training is to start talking about it, get out the little kids toilet so they can explore and play with it a little, and getting them used to the idea from about 18 months.  Let them roam outside without a diaper so they can learn to correlate the feeling of peeing with the words that you will use to identify it.  Yes, it can be messy, and yes I've even found a few logs with the naked roaming method!  Then around 2, get them excited about it, try underwear, and see how things go for a few hours at a time when you're home.  My method is a long drawn out process but I find that if you catch them when they are at the age where clapping and praise are driving forces for their actions, instead of waiting until they figure out that they can be defiant and do the opposite of what you want, its a better match.  This OregonLive article has some more tips.....anyone want to share successful potty training methods?  I have a feeling my old tricks won't work with my last child.....I need some pointers this time around!

Ideas for Reducing Screen Time for Kids

I realized after writing recently about the need to limit screen time for our kids that there was no “how” involved! I’ve been trying to limit my kid’s TV time a little more (especially for my 3 year old who is bored while the big kids are at school) but I wasn’t too sure where to start. So I’ve been thinking about it and came up with a few ideas. I also found some great tips on limiting TV time here.

1. Set limits and rules as a family--timers work great for kids and if they know they have X amount of time to watch or play computer, they will be less likely to be mad at mom when time’s up--blame the timer!
2. Set the example as the adults--Kid’s won’t take the rules seriously if they see us sitting in front of the tube for hours on end instead of doing something active.
3. Keep TV’s and computers OUT of children’s rooms. Both should really be family items and whatever is viewed on them should be available and reasonably appropriate for most members of the family. 4. No TV during meal time--make meal time about sharing a meal and socializing with each other and discussing the events of the day. This will take the focus off of food and kids will stop eating when they are full rather than eating mindlessly in front of the TV which can lead to obesity.
5. Don’t use TV as a reward--this puts too much emphasis on TV and it will become even that much more important to children.
6. Plan out your shows--let the kids pick a few programs they will want to watch during the week. Then either record them or set aside that time its on for your kids to watch. This way there is more purpose to the TV watching and they can look forward to their TV time and their show. (Honestly, how did we survive before Tivo and DVRs?!)

I have four *avid* computer lovers. They love sites like PBS.org, nickjr.com, star fall.com, and playhouseDisney.com. One thing we do that works right now is “Stations”. Each gets about 15 min. at each station--one of course being computer. The other stations are a chore, homework, reading, free play, etc, but it allows some good computer time but it isn’t the main focus--its just part of the station rotation.

What has worked in your family to control screen time with your kids? How do you limit it without making it a huge battle? I’d love to hear what works for others, since I can tell as my kids get older, the challenge is different.

Tis the Season - Reducing Holiday Stress

In addition to sweets, presents, family, and fun, the holidays can also induce ulcers, gallstones, and headaches!  If you don't think that kids are prone to the stressful hustle and bustle of the holiday season, think again.  Kids can be quite sensitive to the changes in routine, excitement, travel, food, and general overstimulation that accompany the season of giving. 

We were able to spend a few relaxing days on Maui over the Thanksgiving holiday and the take home message I got was that the kids were just as happy with a pool and some quality family time than a big turkey dinner with the accompanying stresses of dressing up, food preparation, etc.  Of course we would love to live closer to family and enjoy grandparents (and mom's home cooking!!) and cousin time, but we also recognized that we can help kids reduce the stress of the holidays by taking a few steps back and simplifying things for them.


A few tips for managing the holidays with little ones are:

• Stick to your routines as much as possible.  Keeping bedtimes and naptimes routine will help avoid over-exhausted kids.  
• Keep nutritious foods around, and encourage healthy habits including routine excersize
• Plan ahead to avoid last minute anxiety.
• Talk to your kids about tradition and spirituality and the importance of those things in your holiday celebrations.
• Plan a 'giving' activity like serving food at a shelter, preparing stockings for less fortunate kids, or taking cookies to elderly neighbors.

Most of all, take time to step back and enjoy the season of giving, family, friends, food, and traditions!  In the end, the kids will remember those lasting memories more than they will the toys....

Tweens and Twilight

I was suprised this past weekend when my daughter attended a 'Twilight' themed birthday party for a 9 year old girl.  It was cleverly done, with Team Edward and Team Jacob scavenger hunts, pinata, and more - the parents of the girl seemed to keep it fun and age-appropriate.  Now, I have to admit I have never read the books or seen either of the movies, Twilight or New Moon, but I was under the impression that the content of both the books and movies was more appropriate for older teens and adults.  My 9 year old is bummed out because I haven't let her read the books, but after this party situation, now I'm curious as to what others think....at what age should kids be allowed to watch or read this particular series, or this genre in general?

Where A Kid Can Be A …. Gambler?

Last weekend my 7 year old son was invited to a birthday party. Not just any birthday party--but a Chuck-e-Cheese’s birthday party!! Needless to say, he was thrilled and the first thing he said to me that morning was, “Mom, its my BIG day!” He counted the hours until noon.

With my husband home, I left the rest of the mob with him while just my son and I headed off to Chuck E.’s. I was excited to spend some one-on-one time with him and enjoy two hours of fun together. We arrived, greeted the birthday boy (who frankly couldn’t have cared less who was there, he was just basking in the over stimulation like every other kid). The mom of the birthday boy gave us a small, plastic cup filled with little shiny gold tokens, and after wolfing down an overpriced piece of greasy cheese pizza, we were off to the games!

For those of you who’ve never been to Chuck E. Cheese’s, this is how it works--you buy tokens (50 of them for $10--don't worry, they accept credit cards), stick your token into a slot and play a little game of pure chance for about 2 seconds. Then the machine spits out a few tickets, and when you are done, you go redeem the tickets for cheap ‘toys’ at the counter that is manned by goth looking teenagers with black fingernails and eye makeup and creative body piercings.

My son was in heaven, running from game to game, handing me the tickets that he collected to hold for safe keeping. I followed him around, mostly happy watching him enjoy his “big day.” As he was riding a little car that went up and down, I stood there watching ALL these children (and adults actually…) milling about this crowded, dim, smelly building. I watched them dash from game to game, plastic cups in hand filled with clanking tokens. I saw eyes a-lit with high hopes that the next time they shoved their token into the slot that big, neon flashing light would somehow, someway, actually stop on the word JACKPOT and a long, endless stream of tickets would come flowing from the machine. In that moment, I realized where I was. I was in a mini casino. A casino for kids. The home of future gamblers. A place where humans dump all their hard earned cash and wind up with greasy food, sugary drinks, and a few moments of thrill, only to have hopes dashed as their plastic toy that cost 160 tickets breaks before they even get into the parking lot. I realized that Chuck E. Cheese’s is nothing more than a casino for children.

“Where a kid can be a kid!” didn’t totally disappoint, however. My son and I had fun times using our tokens for things like air hockey, skeeball, and riding the little toddler rides. As we walked out into the beautiful sunshine, plastic bracelets and rubber frogs in hand, my son said, “This is the BEST day of my LIFE!” Not a bad outcome after two hours of … gambling.

Money Matters for Kids

One of my children is obsessed with money. I mean, he’s really, really obsessed. At any given time, he is bound to have several dollars to his name…and for a 7 year old, that’s pretty good. He saves every penny meticulously, and is always asking me for a “money job” so he can earn even a nickel more.

I’m proud of his desire to save and earn, and even his ability to “let go” of it now and then and go shopping and throw a few dollars at a new Pokemon card. But, this obsession he has also led to many frustrations, disappointments and a child who is bummed because he is “poor.” It has led me to seek out advice from experts on helping our children handle money, and here is what I have learned from my experience, at least with our 7 year old.

1. Teach children at an early age what things cost. The grocery store is a great place to point out price tags on shelves. The sooner children can associate a number with being the price for something, the sooner they will understand the value of their money.

2. Teach them to save up for something specific. Let them choose something reasonable (like one dollar store item) and set a date for when that shopping trip will be. Before that day arrives, let your child earn coins by doing jobs outside of their normal routine. Of course this forces you to suffer through the aisles of the dollar store as your child deliberates over which piece of junk to come home with, but the thrill they get from buying something of their very own is worth it.

3. Be realistic with money amounts, especially with young children. Giving them coins and occasionally a one dollar bills is sufficient to satisfy their desire for money and teach them key concepts of counting and saving. Our tooth fairy usually gives 50-75 cents, although once in a hotel room all I had was a dollar bill and a credit card--I opted to give the dollar bill. So, our tooth fairy had to up her rates for lost teeth after that. But a handful of coins is a bigger deal to most kids than a one dollar bill anyway.

4. Teach them to keep it in a safe place. As your child realized the value of the coins or bills he or she has, they will hopefully learn the importance of keeping it in a safe place. I have five children under the age of 8, so you can imagine if there is a coin on the floor somewhere, *everyone* is going to claim it. My kids have had to learn quickly that if you treasure something (like you money!) keep it in a wallet or purse or even a zip lock baggie and keep it in a safe spot.

5. Teach your kids about bank accounts and credit cards and all that other adult stuff that they hear about but don’t really experience first hand. My kids think the bank is a money tree and I go reap my fruit whenever I‘m hungry for it. They need to learn where the money is coming from, why we work so hard for it, and where it all gets distributed. Teach them about credit cards and that everything has a price and if you don’t have the money for it, you shouldn’t buy it, even though anything seems possible with the swipe of the plastic card.

Let your kids enjoy the process of money. Learning some of these key points are so elementary but they will lay a foundation for smart and responsible money choices as they get older.


Websites with tips on teaching children about money:

http://www.moneyinstructor.com/parents.asp

http://life.familyeducation.com/money-and-kids/personal-finance/34481.html

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/moneyshow/makeover/article6.html

Dealing with Disappointment - When Life Gives You Lemon Sorbet...

I took my kids out for a rare afterschool treat at Baskin Robbins ice cream shop recently.  They could choose one scoop of any flavor they wanted, and were quite thrilled with all the yummy options.  My 5 year old immediately knew that she wanted chocolate chip cookie dough, but my 9 year old was hemming and hawing, overwhelmed with the choices and clearly taking her decision making seriously.  After settling on mint chip, her favorite, I was surprised when she suddenly asked the server for a taste of the lemon sorbet, and even more suprised when after tasting it, she asked for lemon sorbet as her single scoop.   As we sat down to enjoy our ice cream, it wasn't long before Zoe's enthusiasm for the tart treat quickly dissipated, and disappointment became the flavor du jour.  Tears of frustration streamed down her cheeks as she begged for another scoop, but instead of giving in I decided it was a good opportunity to try and teach her about how to cope with her disappointment. 

Over a few shared spoonfuls, we talked about how to be happy with what we have even if it isn't what we expected.  Some tips to helping your children manage their feelings of frustration and sadness are:

• Teach them to have realistic expectations
• Emphasize the importance of having a positive attitude in the face of disappointing circumstances
• Don't shelter kids from their mistakes or inadequacies
• Calmly talk them through disappointing experiences

 Elizabeth Crary's book "Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope when Things Don't Go Their Way" gives additional practical, positive approaches with exercises and self calming tools and techniques to help your children understand and successfully manage the ups and downs in life.

While our ice cream outing turned sour initially, we were able to walk away with a better understanding of how to approach decision making and disappointment, and hopefully next time instead of tears we will have chocolate.